Buggy is my rainbow baby. A rainbow baby is a baby born after the storm that is a miscarriage, still birth, or infant death. Before Buggy, I had a miscarriage. After learning that three women near and dear to my heart have suffered miscarriages in recent weeks, I have decided it is time to share my story.
In November of 2012 my husband returned from a year long deployment in Afghanistan. We knew we wanted children soon, so we started trying and I got pregnant in December of 2012. In late January, at about 7 weeks pregnant, I woke up like usual to go to work and went to the bathroom. I was bleeding. A lot. The panic set in immediately. I sat on the bathroom floor crying hysterically and wondering that to do. My husband was already at work on the base, and I was due to leave for work myself in about 30 minutes. I couldn’t stop crying and convulsing.
I tried to calm myself down, and finally I was able to call and leave a message for my boss that I would be out sick that day. Then I called my best friend in hysterics asking for a ride to the hospital. She showed up within minutes, not knowing that I was pregnant let alone having a miscarriage. Because I had insurance through my husband and had already been seen to confirm the pregnancy on Post, I asked my friend to drive me there instead of the local ER. It was 6am. I knew she had to work, but I also knew she would do anything for me, as I would for her. I got my husband on the phone and told him to meet us at the gate ASAP, that I thought I was having a miscarriage and that my friend was bringing me to him.
As we drove, I explained to her that I thought I was having a miscarriage. I cried and cried. Through my tears and shaking hysterics she comforted me, made me smile a little, and was there for me through one of the scariest moments of my life. I will forever be grateful for her friendship and for her words of comfort that morning.
When we got to the base I hopped out of the car and into my husband’s and we made our way to the hospital. We went directly to the OB office, and when they opened at 7am we were the first ones in. I explained to the receptionist that I thought I was going through a miscarriage and she immediately got me in to see a doctor, who was the kindest most patient soldier I had ever met. She checked me out, confirmed what I already knew in my heart was true, and explained what would happen next.
I would likely bleed for a few more days, and would be more emotional then normal as my body adjusted to the change in hormones I was going through as well as the emotional pain of dealing with a loss. She scheduled me a follow-up appointment for the next week and told me not to blame myself. She said 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, and that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it from happening. She also said most women go on to have healthy pregnancies following a miscarriage, but if it happened a second time they would run some tests to rule out certain conditions that may affect my ability to carry a child.
Since we were on an Army Base, the doctor wrote a note for my husband to miss 3 days of work “to support his wife, who suffered a miscarriage”. They don’t write notes for civilians, so I called in sick to work the rest of the week, and my husband and I spent time together grieving. I was a wreck. I cried, slept a little bit, cried some more, tried to eat the casserole my friend’s husband made us, and would not leave my husband for even a few minutes. I was afraid to be alone, because I had been by myself when it happened. I didn’t want to relive the pain, both physical and emotional, of being all alone in my bathroom losing my child. It was too much, and I needed to be held as I processed what happened to me. The days were long, the nights longer. I was in a dark spot, but I had support from my husband and best friend, and I knew my life would go on. With support, I was able to crawl my way out of a devastating situation and find the strength to try for another baby.
I was worried. Would I miscarry again? What if something happened? What would I do? I didn’t think I could handle another loss, but I also couldn’t imagine a life without children, so we started trying again. Within the month, I was pregnant with Buggy. Fear set in fast, and those first 7 weeks I hardly breathed. I was terrified of losing another child. But as the weeks progressed I started bonding with the life growing within me, and became more and more confident in my own body and ability to carry a child.
In December of 2013 Buggy was born. She is my pride and joy, and will forever be my rainbow baby. To all the women out there who have suffered the loss of a child, I hope that you get your rainbow baby one day. Know that you are not alone, and that you are stronger then you realize. When the days are dark and long think about your future with hope and joy. I am dedicating this post to my first baby, my three friends, and to all women who have suffered the loss of a child. May you find peace and happiness after you grieve.